The Truth About Peach

So, a thought occurred to me today. (It had to happen eventually, I know. Ha ha, very funny. Don't quit your day job.) I've seen several articles in the past about Princess Peach Toadstool. Some claim she is just a figurehead. Others say she's an enchantress using her feminine wiles, which are apparently incredibly rare in the Mushroom Kingdom, to control all the little toad men of the country into doing her bidding.


Some even claim she is a usurper of the throne and that Bowser truly is the rightful king. They cite that the scaly sovereign is far more similar to anything else in the mushroom kingdom than the normal human Peach, whose right to the throne isn't ever explained. And it's true, we never do see her parents or even get mention of them. Any of the little toad people who claim to be relatives are clearly lying.

But let's think for a moment. What happens when Peach is kidnapped by Bowser? Does the kingdom suddenly stop running? No. Unless a given area of the kingdom is directly under attack, things proceed in a perfectly normal manner. Same old, same old with no interruptions. Even in Mario 64, it was only the castle that was affected by the invasion, while the rest of the country went on about its business.

Look too at Super Mario RPG. Aside from a few boss monsters here and there, the kingdom is relatively fine. And once those few are defeated, it's back to business as usual. Peach is even rescued halfway through the game and immediately leaves again to go with you, ignoring whatever important royal works needed to be done. But as we journey with her, we see she's actually quite a capable fighter, and valued party member. In fact, it quickly becomes apparent that she could escape Bowser's clutches at any time, and even avoid getting kidnapped in the first place.

This is when I started understanding Peach. She's not a princess. She's not an enchantress. She's not just a figurehead. She's all that and more. She is, in fact, the first line of defense for the Mushroom Kingdom.

Preemptive
Emergency
Avoidance of
Catastrophe's
Harbingers

She's the lightning rod that draws danger to her before it can ever reach her subjects. Under her reign, not one single casualty has ever befallen her people, while Mario has laid waste to thousands upon thousands of enemy troops. The worst the average citizen has had to endure is a temporary inconvenience. Peach and Mario work together to be the focus of all enemy efforts. But even they can't handle everything. Bowser can replace his fallen minions at a moment's notice. His ranks are truly staggering. So, how does Mario manage to survive? It's because while all enemy eyes are on him, the Mushroom Army is out there covertly taking out enemies by the score and leaving our hero helpful items to ensure he lives to remain the focus. Meanwhile, Bowser is so focused on keeping Peach captive that he never notices.

And what happens when an enemy that can't be dealt with this way attacks? The lacy white gloves come off, that's what. As the fiends of Mario RPG found out, she's more than capable of being out there on the front line along side Mario and delivering a heaping helping of princess pwnage.



So, when you inevitably see the next headline in the Mushroom Kingdom Times proclaiming that Peach has been kidnapped yet again, don't just roll your eyes. That means she's doing her job, descending into darkness alone so that her citizens can rest easy. Show a little respect. She's earned it.